Just A Few Reminders for the Soul

Good News!!

So it's about time for some good news around here, huh?

I'm off the Dexamethasone!!
When we first started this journey last January my DHEAS level was slightly elevated, but in the still "normal" range. My baseline was 258. My doctor believes women have a better chance of getting pregnant if their DHEAS is under or near 200. After 8 months of failed cycles, my DHEAS levels were tested again and it had dropped to 229- without any medication. Granted, at that point I had lost about 15 pounds so the weight loss got the credit for the big dip. My doctor still wasn't happy 4 months later with no baby on board so we started the Dexamethasone to bring my levels down even further in hopes that that was the missing piece of our infertility struggle. After 6 weeks on the meds, I'm testing at 132!!!! I'm officially off the meds as of late last week and I'm more than excited about that! My numbers may slowly begin creeping back up over time but I'm happy to be off that dreadful pill for now!

And wait- it gets better!

WE HAVE A PLAN!

For the first time since this all began I feel at peace. We have a final idea of where the next few months will take us. We've decided to continue with the IUI and injections for the next 3 cycles. In the meantime, we're signed up to start the state required 11 week adoption class {starting next week}and get a home study!! This is a huge step for us! We're officially setting the wheel in motion for adoption while we wait in hopes of a biological miracle.

I gotta be honest y'all...I've gotten the best sleep this week!
My mind isn't running in circles anymore with questions and hopes and fears.
I'm excited and hopeful just knowing that there's another option that we both agree on.
A solid plan puts my mind to rest.

This whole process has been out of my control and for the first time in 14 months, I feel like I have control over something. There's an official time line.

I think control is the hardest part of this whole dang thing.
At least for this self proclaimed perfectionist control freak.
My momma just said, "You're not drivin' this car honey- you're not in control"
She's sure got that right.
Granted, I know in my heart that God's got this.
It's just hard to let go and let God.
I choose to believe that God knows how much we can handle.
He knows that we need a sense of security right now.
He knows that we needed a solid plan- a direction- a sense of control.
All the while- he's driving this car.

The Rant

WARNING-I'm in rare form today.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks I'll tell ya.
After January's round of meds and home injections, I was rather hopeful for good news.

But we're now on our next round.
Total bust.

We're doing our first IUI this month.

That was the plan anyway.

Today 2 very large cysts were found on my right ovary.
So the IUI plan is scratched until the cysts are gone.
Fail.

Doctor wasn't alarmed.
He sees it all the time.
I sorta kinda had a melt down on the table.
With my feet in the stirrups.
Not my proudest moment.
I feel defeated.
Apparently this is a normal side effect of the meds.

Stupid meds.

I'm so tired of all the meds and side effects.

I have to put my blame on to something- don't judge me.
I'm angry with at my meds for not getting me pregnant.
It's totally rational people.
Don't roll your eyes.
It's better than being mad at myself... right?

I'm on:
Metformin 3 times a day
Letrazole for cycle days 3-7
Dexamathazone 1/2 a pill nightly
HcG injection day 15

That's a lot of meds for someone that never gets sick.
They need to freakin' work.
They have a job to do.

I've been having crazy hot flashes at night lately.
Like- eyes on fire, cheeks burning- give me ice before I melt away kind of hot flashes.

Stupid meds.
Stupid cysts.
Stupid PCOS.
Stupid infertility.

So- ironically- the cure for the cysts are birth control meds.
Go figure.
More meds.

I'm kinda bitter.
Can ya tell?

Sorry.
The title should have warned you.
I'm just so dang frustrated with this process.

Period
Count days
Ovary check
Timed medications
Follicle Scan
Injections
Ovulation kits
Blood work
Hopes up
Disappointment
Start over

When I'm done being angry- that's when the tears come.
I hate the sadness.
This journey is so dark right now.
I can't help but wonder if we're on the wrong path.
Are the doors being closed in my face for a reason?
Is this a sign?
Are we supposed to choose another road?

We looked into adoption last week.
We talked to several attorneys and agencies.
I've always had a calling to adopt- we just don't have the $28,000.
So that sorta puts a wrinkle in that idea.
For now.
I have faith that God will make it happen if that's our story.

I constantly hear:

"Just relax"
"I bet as soon as you stop trying it'll happen"
"Susie adopted and then got pregnant"
"Just stay positive- it'll happen"

GAG!!!

For now-
I don't want to be positive.
I don't want to relax.
I just want to be annoyed...and a little sad...
And maybe eat some ice cream.
Sue me.

Rant over.

Litter Box Tears

Today's an off day for me.

I'm not too sure why.

Nothing new to report, really.

I have an appointment on Wednesday morning to measure the size of my next round of follicles to see if they're healthy enough to use.

We're hopeful...just like every month.

I'm cleaning the house today.

Enjoying the sunshine through the windows.

Yet, I find myself crying without much cause...as I clean out the litter box, of all things- go figure.

I began thinking to myself, "once we get pregnant, you can't do this anymore."

Funny how my mind is in baby mode all the time now.

My calendar is centered around appointments and timed medications. 

I pin baby cribs and infertility awareness statistics on Pinterest almost daily.

No one ever thinks starting a family would be so difficult.

So trying.

My soul is weary today.

I guess, as odd as it sounds a year later, I'm still in shock.

Shock that all this is happening to me. 

To us.

Some days it's easy to talk about and I can gab for hours and other days it all gets stuck in my throat.

Like a sour lump that refuses to move to allow for a breath of air.

No one knows the journey that God has written for you.

I always wanted to adopt.

My mom used to laugh at me when I was in middle school and I would proclaim to the world that "I wanted to pick my baby from a shelf."

So silly.

Yet true.

I never wanted to have a biological family.

The birth process freaks me the heck out.

I'm deathly afraid of needles.

How ironic now, as we have to self administer monthly injections.

There's so many children in this world that need a family and I'd take them all if I could.

That was always my life plan.

Then I go married and my mind shifted a bit.

Who knows, maybe adoption is His plan for us too.

Time will tell.

My husband just isn't in that place yet.

A biological family weighs on his heart and I'm patient with the desires.

We find ourselves on different pages of the same book.

I'm okay with that.

It will all work itself out in time.

Be still Kimberly.

I believe God laid the desire to adopt on my heart so many years ago in an effort to prepare me for this dark path. 

He knows me. 

He knows my strengths and weaknesses. 

He knew what I would need, even back then. 

He is good.

I believe he will lay it on Kelly's heart if that's to be our next step.

For now, we're going to an IVF seminar in a couple weeks.

In the meantime, I think I'll look into an adoption attorney too...just to explore our options.

We're both committed to know all the options on the table at this point.

Knowledge is power and that seems to be the only thing we can control in this process.

Today I choose to find strength in knowing that it's supposed to happen this way.

God is in control.

We were given this journey for a purpose.

Sometimes I think it's to raise awareness, other times I believe it's to strengthen our faith and marriage.

Maybe it's all of the above.

Who knows.

God is good.

State of the Ovary Address

Hi, my name is Kimberly and I have an Ovarian Dysfunction...

And Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS} with insulin resistance.

All of that is fancy for "I don't naturally ovulate without medication".

I'm still learning that this simply defines my condition. It does not define who I am.

I laid in bed last night, room spinning from a new medication, thinking about how far we've come from the beginning of this whole journey.

We started a year ago, exploring the effects my husband's current medications could cause to a fetus if we were to get pregnant. Little did we know then that I would undergo a plethora of tests based on a few answers on a questionnaire during our first consult with the doctor.

Come to find out, I have a TON of eggs {probably because I don't ovulate them} and because of an insulin resistance, the eggs can't mature enough to ovulate. Leaving me with, what the doctor calls, an "ovarian dysfunction". Top that with a growth found in my uterus, making my little womb an uncozy place for a little baby and here we are- battling to create a family of 3.

I don't know why God choose us for this journey or what His plan is for us. But I do know that He has made me a more reflective person- more in tune with my heart, my mind, and my faith. There are days that my emotions are bursting at the seams- literally. And then there's days where I almost feel numb. Nothing. I think it's all par for the course.

So now where am I in all this?

I take each day, each test, each phone call as it comes. 

I've found peace in knowing that my god has a plan and His plan never fails.

I take comfort in my husband's strength. He is my rock through this.

I have hope that this cycle will work. It's our 5th cycle on Letrozole. The blood work and ultrasounds show that this dosage is helping my body ovulate. We're using an injection this month that will help us time the release of the egg and then it's a waiting game.

Today I feel hopeful.

Hopeful for our date with destiny.

Hopeful for God's will. 

365 Days Later

This month marks one year.

One whole year since we began our journey to create a tiny human to join our family of two.

One whole year of tests and doctors and medications and tears and victories.

Some days it seems like yesterday that we decided to start our battle with infertility...and other days it seems like it's been an eternity of waiting in hope.

 

I'll admit, I'm not a patient person by nature. True story.

A non-patient woman battling infertility- good luck with that, right?! HA!

 

I can honestly say that I've learned a lot about myself, my marriage, my health and my faith through this journey.

I hope to share what I've learned with you.

I hope to share what God is continuing to teach me.

And most of all, I'm hoping that our story will help you in your struggle.

Help you to realize you're not alone in your valley.

To give you a sense of peace in your tears.

And to help me work through mine.

 

This is our story.

A story that I'll write- without an ending in sight.

A story that I write with faith and hope in His plan for us.

And for you.