The Rant

WARNING-I'm in rare form today.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks I'll tell ya.
After January's round of meds and home injections, I was rather hopeful for good news.

But we're now on our next round.
Total bust.

We're doing our first IUI this month.

That was the plan anyway.

Today 2 very large cysts were found on my right ovary.
So the IUI plan is scratched until the cysts are gone.
Fail.

Doctor wasn't alarmed.
He sees it all the time.
I sorta kinda had a melt down on the table.
With my feet in the stirrups.
Not my proudest moment.
I feel defeated.
Apparently this is a normal side effect of the meds.

Stupid meds.

I'm so tired of all the meds and side effects.

I have to put my blame on to something- don't judge me.
I'm angry with at my meds for not getting me pregnant.
It's totally rational people.
Don't roll your eyes.
It's better than being mad at myself... right?

I'm on:
Metformin 3 times a day
Letrazole for cycle days 3-7
Dexamathazone 1/2 a pill nightly
HcG injection day 15

That's a lot of meds for someone that never gets sick.
They need to freakin' work.
They have a job to do.

I've been having crazy hot flashes at night lately.
Like- eyes on fire, cheeks burning- give me ice before I melt away kind of hot flashes.

Stupid meds.
Stupid cysts.
Stupid PCOS.
Stupid infertility.

So- ironically- the cure for the cysts are birth control meds.
Go figure.
More meds.

I'm kinda bitter.
Can ya tell?

Sorry.
The title should have warned you.
I'm just so dang frustrated with this process.

Period
Count days
Ovary check
Timed medications
Follicle Scan
Injections
Ovulation kits
Blood work
Hopes up
Disappointment
Start over

When I'm done being angry- that's when the tears come.
I hate the sadness.
This journey is so dark right now.
I can't help but wonder if we're on the wrong path.
Are the doors being closed in my face for a reason?
Is this a sign?
Are we supposed to choose another road?

We looked into adoption last week.
We talked to several attorneys and agencies.
I've always had a calling to adopt- we just don't have the $28,000.
So that sorta puts a wrinkle in that idea.
For now.
I have faith that God will make it happen if that's our story.

I constantly hear:

"Just relax"
"I bet as soon as you stop trying it'll happen"
"Susie adopted and then got pregnant"
"Just stay positive- it'll happen"

GAG!!!

For now-
I don't want to be positive.
I don't want to relax.
I just want to be annoyed...and a little sad...
And maybe eat some ice cream.
Sue me.

Rant over.