Litter Box Tears

Today's an off day for me.

I'm not too sure why.

Nothing new to report, really.

I have an appointment on Wednesday morning to measure the size of my next round of follicles to see if they're healthy enough to use.

We're hopeful...just like every month.

I'm cleaning the house today.

Enjoying the sunshine through the windows.

Yet, I find myself crying without much cause...as I clean out the litter box, of all things- go figure.

I began thinking to myself, "once we get pregnant, you can't do this anymore."

Funny how my mind is in baby mode all the time now.

My calendar is centered around appointments and timed medications. 

I pin baby cribs and infertility awareness statistics on Pinterest almost daily.

No one ever thinks starting a family would be so difficult.

So trying.

My soul is weary today.

I guess, as odd as it sounds a year later, I'm still in shock.

Shock that all this is happening to me. 

To us.

Some days it's easy to talk about and I can gab for hours and other days it all gets stuck in my throat.

Like a sour lump that refuses to move to allow for a breath of air.

No one knows the journey that God has written for you.

I always wanted to adopt.

My mom used to laugh at me when I was in middle school and I would proclaim to the world that "I wanted to pick my baby from a shelf."

So silly.

Yet true.

I never wanted to have a biological family.

The birth process freaks me the heck out.

I'm deathly afraid of needles.

How ironic now, as we have to self administer monthly injections.

There's so many children in this world that need a family and I'd take them all if I could.

That was always my life plan.

Then I go married and my mind shifted a bit.

Who knows, maybe adoption is His plan for us too.

Time will tell.

My husband just isn't in that place yet.

A biological family weighs on his heart and I'm patient with the desires.

We find ourselves on different pages of the same book.

I'm okay with that.

It will all work itself out in time.

Be still Kimberly.

I believe God laid the desire to adopt on my heart so many years ago in an effort to prepare me for this dark path. 

He knows me. 

He knows my strengths and weaknesses. 

He knew what I would need, even back then. 

He is good.

I believe he will lay it on Kelly's heart if that's to be our next step.

For now, we're going to an IVF seminar in a couple weeks.

In the meantime, I think I'll look into an adoption attorney too...just to explore our options.

We're both committed to know all the options on the table at this point.

Knowledge is power and that seems to be the only thing we can control in this process.

Today I choose to find strength in knowing that it's supposed to happen this way.

God is in control.

We were given this journey for a purpose.

Sometimes I think it's to raise awareness, other times I believe it's to strengthen our faith and marriage.

Maybe it's all of the above.

Who knows.

God is good.