Just A Few Reminders for the Soul

Good News!!

So it's about time for some good news around here, huh?

I'm off the Dexamethasone!!
When we first started this journey last January my DHEAS level was slightly elevated, but in the still "normal" range. My baseline was 258. My doctor believes women have a better chance of getting pregnant if their DHEAS is under or near 200. After 8 months of failed cycles, my DHEAS levels were tested again and it had dropped to 229- without any medication. Granted, at that point I had lost about 15 pounds so the weight loss got the credit for the big dip. My doctor still wasn't happy 4 months later with no baby on board so we started the Dexamethasone to bring my levels down even further in hopes that that was the missing piece of our infertility struggle. After 6 weeks on the meds, I'm testing at 132!!!! I'm officially off the meds as of late last week and I'm more than excited about that! My numbers may slowly begin creeping back up over time but I'm happy to be off that dreadful pill for now!

And wait- it gets better!

WE HAVE A PLAN!

For the first time since this all began I feel at peace. We have a final idea of where the next few months will take us. We've decided to continue with the IUI and injections for the next 3 cycles. In the meantime, we're signed up to start the state required 11 week adoption class {starting next week}and get a home study!! This is a huge step for us! We're officially setting the wheel in motion for adoption while we wait in hopes of a biological miracle.

I gotta be honest y'all...I've gotten the best sleep this week!
My mind isn't running in circles anymore with questions and hopes and fears.
I'm excited and hopeful just knowing that there's another option that we both agree on.
A solid plan puts my mind to rest.

This whole process has been out of my control and for the first time in 14 months, I feel like I have control over something. There's an official time line.

I think control is the hardest part of this whole dang thing.
At least for this self proclaimed perfectionist control freak.
My momma just said, "You're not drivin' this car honey- you're not in control"
She's sure got that right.
Granted, I know in my heart that God's got this.
It's just hard to let go and let God.
I choose to believe that God knows how much we can handle.
He knows that we need a sense of security right now.
He knows that we needed a solid plan- a direction- a sense of control.
All the while- he's driving this car.

The Rant

WARNING-I'm in rare form today.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks I'll tell ya.
After January's round of meds and home injections, I was rather hopeful for good news.

But we're now on our next round.
Total bust.

We're doing our first IUI this month.

That was the plan anyway.

Today 2 very large cysts were found on my right ovary.
So the IUI plan is scratched until the cysts are gone.
Fail.

Doctor wasn't alarmed.
He sees it all the time.
I sorta kinda had a melt down on the table.
With my feet in the stirrups.
Not my proudest moment.
I feel defeated.
Apparently this is a normal side effect of the meds.

Stupid meds.

I'm so tired of all the meds and side effects.

I have to put my blame on to something- don't judge me.
I'm angry with at my meds for not getting me pregnant.
It's totally rational people.
Don't roll your eyes.
It's better than being mad at myself... right?

I'm on:
Metformin 3 times a day
Letrazole for cycle days 3-7
Dexamathazone 1/2 a pill nightly
HcG injection day 15

That's a lot of meds for someone that never gets sick.
They need to freakin' work.
They have a job to do.

I've been having crazy hot flashes at night lately.
Like- eyes on fire, cheeks burning- give me ice before I melt away kind of hot flashes.

Stupid meds.
Stupid cysts.
Stupid PCOS.
Stupid infertility.

So- ironically- the cure for the cysts are birth control meds.
Go figure.
More meds.

I'm kinda bitter.
Can ya tell?

Sorry.
The title should have warned you.
I'm just so dang frustrated with this process.

Period
Count days
Ovary check
Timed medications
Follicle Scan
Injections
Ovulation kits
Blood work
Hopes up
Disappointment
Start over

When I'm done being angry- that's when the tears come.
I hate the sadness.
This journey is so dark right now.
I can't help but wonder if we're on the wrong path.
Are the doors being closed in my face for a reason?
Is this a sign?
Are we supposed to choose another road?

We looked into adoption last week.
We talked to several attorneys and agencies.
I've always had a calling to adopt- we just don't have the $28,000.
So that sorta puts a wrinkle in that idea.
For now.
I have faith that God will make it happen if that's our story.

I constantly hear:

"Just relax"
"I bet as soon as you stop trying it'll happen"
"Susie adopted and then got pregnant"
"Just stay positive- it'll happen"

GAG!!!

For now-
I don't want to be positive.
I don't want to relax.
I just want to be annoyed...and a little sad...
And maybe eat some ice cream.
Sue me.

Rant over.